Tuesday, July 1, 2014

when home isn't really home anymore

For the past month or so, I have been doing a little bit of traveling and taking advantage of summer. I was in Los Angeles for a little while, and then I came home (Houston) for a few days, and then I left for Chicago. For those of you who don't know, I was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago. I lived there for a good 12/13 years of my life until I had no choice but to move. I moved to Texas with no expectations but to live a miserable life and rebel against my father because I was an angsty teenager. Little did I know I would build such amazing relationships here and grow a love for Houston, Texas. I spent years and years after I first moved to Texas wanting to come home to Chicago so terribly. I looked forward to every single summer trip to Chicago, hoping to see all my friends and all of my family. But there was something incredibly different about this year. This year, I didn't really look forward to this place I called home for so long. The people I knew, the places that I spent so much time at as a child...it didn't feel familiar anymore. I have been in Chicago for about a week now, and I have been nothing but uninspired and unmotivated. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing my mother and being able to spend time with my siblings. But the environment around here, it doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Maybe this is all a part of growing up and this is what happens when you learn to develop and change into the human being that you're meant to be. I have a yearning to come home to Houston, Texas. That place has grown on me, and I have been missing the place and the people in it more than anything. I have always been grateful for the family that I have there, along with the amazing friends and the lovely people. But I have grown such a copious amount of love and appreciation for everyone and everything in Houston, Texas. I have grown so incredibly homesick, I'm counting down the days for when this Chicago trip is over. Nothing feels the same to me anymore. The house that I grew up in, the places that I used to explore as a child...it all feels strange and unfamiliar to me. I'm no longer close with the people here anymore, the people that I used to call my close friends. Everyone has moved on to the next chapter of their lives and none of those chapters really have a place for me in it and I'm completely okay with that. This sudden realization and transition has made me realize that home isn't really home anymore. Home is not the place you grew up in. I believe that home is the place that you feel safe, the place where you can walk around freely and be able to feel completely at ease and happy with yourself and the people around you. Home is the place that you run to when you are struggling, the place you run to when you need some peace of mind. Home is no longer here for me, my home is back in Houston, Texas.

Monday, June 23, 2014

the anchor that keeps me grounded

I have taken a short hiatus from blog posts due to the crazy events that I've been involved in. Life has been treating me very well and I couldn't be more grateful for the people, things, and surroundings in my life. But the purpose for my blog post today is to celebrate someone that means more than the world to me. Someone that deserves the recognition and all the unconditional love. Today is her birthday and I can't begin to express how much of a pleasure it has been to see her grow into the woman that she is today. 5 years of friendship and I wholeheartedly believe it will continue until the day I die. She's not just a friend to me, this girl is my family. She is more than a best friend or a sister. She's done more for me than my own blood ever will. God damn, we piss each other off so much sometimes but at the end of the day I still love her to death. Nothing pains me more than to see her broken, angered, or frustrated. I want nothing but happiness for her. We bicker, we yell, and we say things we don't mean. She was the one that took me in when I didn't have a home, the one that saved my life and showed me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When I was at my lowest point in life, she was there to hold my hand and she was there to respect me and to make sure that I was going to be okay. And for that, I will forever be grateful. Nobody will ever replace the friendship that she has provided me and nobody will ever take her place in my life. Savannah Marie, I love you so much and I wanted to let not only you, but the world to know as well because a person like you deserves to be recognized and cherished. Please don't ever let your spirit dull. You have so much potential and I cannot wait to see you accomplish your dreams one day. You are my muse and the anchor that keeps me grounded. Without you, I don't know where I would be. I really, really wouldn't know. I love you with all of my heart, please don't ever forget that.
I just thought that I would also include this...
And this...
I love you!
*Savannah's birthday is June 22nd, this website was down last night so I had to delay this post. I'm an asshole. Oh, and you're going to love your present, Savannah.*

Monday, May 12, 2014

I truly apologize

I apologize from the bottom of my heart to all of my readers for the lack of posts within the past few weeks. Things have been a little crazy for me, more so emotionally. I'm hitting a point of realization in my life where every decision I make is going to impact my future in some kind of way and it's a lot of stress that I'm trying to get through. I've been happy, don't get me wrong. But it's a different kind of happiness. I've been very nostalgic, my past has been politely making it's way back to say hi. Recently, I saw my father for the first time in over two years. I'm still in shock that I actually saw him, it doesn't feel very real. I just can't believe how much I've been through these past few years...I'm almost overwhelmed with how much I've struggled and made through. All I want is to accomplish my goals, become successful enough to take care of my siblings, my family, the ones who raised me to become the woman that I am today. I feel like I owe so much to society and the world. I want to so badly make a difference and an impact on people's lives. And I know I will, I'm just so scared of the path and the journey that it's going to take to get there. I've been stuck in this block, a creative block, and I'm so desparately trying to get myself out. But today I spoke to my little brother, and god damn I miss him so much it hurts. He was crying to me about how much he hated his life and how hard life was. I was in tears today, the last time I cried this much was when I saw my little sister for the first time in over 10 months. I just wanted to hold my brother and tell him how beautiful life can be, and how things can get so much brighter and easier. But I realize that my little brother may never have the opportunity to live a normal, happy life because of his condition. It broke my heart even more to just think of that possibility. So I spent some time thinking today...I'm going to do everything in my power to accomplish my goals, become successful in what I love to do and use that money to get custody of my siblings, raise them, and help them live a beautiful, happy life that they deserve. That has been my number one goal since the beginning, but all of this pain, all of this anger I feel...I will use it to fuel my energy and dedication. I'm sorry for the rant, I just get very tired and emotional sometimes. It's rare, actually. But after all, I am human. I hope you lovely readers understand. I promise you more things will be coming your way! I will be flying to Los Angeles next month and I will be in Chicago in July! Which means...photoshoots and more music! At least that's something to look forward to. That's something I need to remember, there's always a positive to life no matter how negative life can get sometimes. I love you all so much for still keeping up to date with my blog and reading it even though I've been terrible lately. Blessed be.

Thursday, April 24, 2014


The weekend is almost here, is anyone else as excited as I am?! Things have been super crazy for me, but I haven't forgotten to keep you guys up to date on the lovely, talented people in my life! Today I am introducing you guys to the beautiful, Haven Christian. She is a model and shop owner of Tipsy Gypsy! She currently resides in Michigan and spends her days caring after her adorable pups and managing her boho-chic trendy shop. Haven wanted to start modeling around the 6th grade, she would go and get glamour shots done because it was so popular at the time - and then she just started doing little jobs one after another! Her shop idea sparked simply because she's always wanted to go to fashion school for merchandising. Haven always had the confidence she could do it all on her own, and well, look at where she is now!
Haven has got a love for online boutiques, and she's recently gotten into shops such as Spell Byron Bay, Nasty Gal, Wildfox, Novella Royale, and much more. She also appreciates the cheaper side for basics such as Forever 21 and H&M. If she could put together an outfit from any store, it would be from Forever 21 because you can get so much more for your money! As the years have gone by, modeling has become more of a hobby for her. She's been very focused with her shop, Tipsy Gypsy, which just recently launched! Tipsy Gypsy is filled with many boho street style and handmade articles and there are so many unique items. There are things from flower crowns, to accessories, to swimsuits and cardigans - you name it and they've got it, all imported from all over the world and made just to fit you!
"The world is endless for you, you can be as big as you want to be and you can be as successful as you want to be whether that means being a model, store owner, etc. You've just got to get your feelings out and go forward with whatever it is you want to do with life!"

With Haven's modeling and her online shop, she's done it all on her own! She's hopes to have her own store front one day and continue the process of Tipsy Gypsy. This beautiful lady has so much talent and confidence, go give her shop a chance and check out what it has to offer! Follow Haven on Twitter and Instagram to keep up to date with her modeling, her lovely face, and Tipsy Gypsy!

Monday, April 14, 2014

Blood Moon

Tonight the moon will enter the darkest part of Earth's shadow at around 2AM Eastern Time! This is one of the most energetic phases of 2014, we are at a cross road of major changes along with incorporating our deepest creations with the profound energies of the universe. Focus on your mind, let your heart feel, and begin to embrace the changes that are coming. This April eclipse will greatly affect those with birthdays from the 15th to the 29th (my birthday is the 25th!). This is the time where certain relationships come to an end and new beginnings start to take effect. If you've been wanting to make a change, go after it and do everything you can in your power to make that change. Lately the wind has been insane down here in Texas, and if you really focus, you can feel all the stress from this past Winter slowly drifting away. Don't allow yourself to dwell on the past during this time. I've been catching myself thinking about certain things I shouldn't think about, and it seems to be a little easier to let go and move on from those thoughts. Focus on what you want rather than what you don't want. Instead of thinking, "I can't" think "I will". Let Spring give you the opportunity to move on and forgive those who have done you wrong. Build a foundation for yourself and tell yourself where you want to be a few years from now. Step into the new role that you are meant to fulfill on this planet. This Blood Moon is an indication of letting the old go, and letting the new fall in. You'll feel a certain heavy feeling, something dragging you. That is all the toxic energy that has been hanging onto you letting go. This is all a part of your transformation! There won't be another lunar eclipse until October, so take advantage of this time and appreciate what our universe has to offer. You can get an idea of the places in your life that will be affected by this eclipse by looking to see where 25 degrees Libra falls in your astrology chart. There are plenty of ways to find your birth natal chart - so if the eclipse falls close to one of your personal planets, this is very significant for you! Eclipses are always a time for change, it gives opportunity for new people and things to come into our lives. If you see yourself drifting from certain things and people, don't mourn over it. Chances are this is all a part of your transformation and changes. Tonight, welcome the balance and harmony that's about to enter your life. I will be waking up at around 2AM tonight to cast a circle, make a list of things I wish to let go of, make an offering to the Mother Goddess and the Universe, and enjoy the beautiful lunar eclipse. What will you be doing in honor of tonight? Blessed be, everyone!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

I am grateful

As human beings, we spend our days going through a routine. We wake up, we go to work or school, we spend our days being tired and looking forward to the future. But so many of us fail to realize that the future can happen right NOW. Anything we wish for the future can happen at this very moment. We spend so much time being tired and worn out, we forget to appreciate the life we are given and we take advantage of it. There's so much of the world to see, so many people to meet and as humans we seem to forget that there's so much more to the world than our phones, our houses, and our jobs. I've been going through a little rut, feeling uninspired and stressing myself out over the most little things that shouldn't stress me out. One morning, I woke up and I was thinking to myself, "Goodness, I just wish to be the positive person that I am meant to be. I want to appreciate my life and open my eyes to the experiences and limits that are possible." And a month later, I'm feeling this burst of energy that I haven't felt in so long. I called up old family members I haven't spoken to in a long time and told them how much I love them. I became closer with my friends and decided to reach out to them. I continued to tell people that I love them every day and I grew to become nicer and less bitter. I'm letting myself having fun and I'm letting myself let go for once. I've been so uptight and secluded from the world, I've forgotten the feeling of just letting go. Surprisingly after a week of being happy and filled with all this lovely energy, my baby sister surprised me with a visit. Now keep in mind, I haven't seen her in over 10 months. Getting the opportunity to see her was so incredibly amazing, and it made me realize how grateful I am to get to experience the opportunities that I am given. The point of this post was to let my readers remember to be grateful for the little things in life. With all the sudden, tragic deaths that have been publicly displayed via the media - you begin to realize how short life really is, you never know when it will be taken away from you. So go on and spend time with your family, tell your parents that you are thankful and that you love them. Tell your friends that you appreciate the time they spend with you. Laugh a lot and smile as much as you can. Let love in and see what it does for you and your soul. Do the things that you love to do because you never know when you'll never get the chance to do them again. Be grateful for this life you are given. You have so much potential and opportunity. Step out of the box, stand up for yourself, and look for those opportunities.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


Introducing you guys to the lovely, Jessica Ess! She's a female vocalist from Chicago, Illinois. There has always been something unique about Jessica - from her voice, to her image, along with her personality. Jessica is sincere at heart and deeply sincere in her music. She's been surrounded by music all of her life! Jessica was inspired at a very young age by artists like the Spice Girls and Britney Spears (I mean, what girl wasn't?!) that she would dress up like them and perform in her living room. These past few years have been quite crazy for Jessica, in a positive and negative way. In 2012, she got the opportunity to collaborate with Kellin Quinn (Sleeping With Sirens) on their acoustic EP, If You Were A Movie, This Would Be Your Soundtrack, on the song, "Don't You Ever Forget About Me".
Shortly after that, she paired up with David Newton and formed together a female fronted, post hardcore band called The Atlantic. They've been in and out of the studio, constantly putting together their creativity and trying to complete the band piece by piece. It's been a long and difficult journey for them, and it's still continuing to this very day...
So then just recently, Jessica and the band released an official statement (you can read it here) and turned a new leaf for the band and for themselves. They are now known as Paper|Cities and they will be releasing a brand new song tomorrow! As she said so herself, the band is stronger than ever and she couldn't be happier about it. Jessica is super excited on this simply because now she is free to express herself through her music with no setbacks. Go vote to have them play Warped Tour this summer!
Besides the band and the music that Jessica dedicates her life to so dearly, she has other interests that she's always wanted to pursue! She's got goals such as getting a real estate license, finishing cosmetology school, and putting her own artistic ability into her clothing. She collaborated with ilovestud this past summer and put together the Forever [You]ng clothing line! She is a buzzmaker at Buzznet and got the opportunity to give us all a sneak peek at some of the pieces!
Through Jessica's experiences in the music industry, she's gotten the lovely opportunity to work with people that she's always admired and looked up to. But if there was one artist that she could work with, it would be Gwen Stefani! One item that Jess holds dear to her heart are her dog tags. "I feel like all my accomplishments are held in these necklaces. They've been on through every show I've ever played and every struggle I've overcome in this industry."
All in all, Jessica has got so much potential and she's ready to show it. I'm very excited to see where Paper|Cities end up in the future because it's looking very bright! Please go like her band, Paper|Cities on Facebook and follow them on Twitter! Follow Jessica on Twitter and Instagram to keep up to date with new releases and shows. The music world is one of the most tough industries to be in, so show your love and support to all your local artists!